Worried immigrants sometimes come up to me and say, "As an immigrant, I feel as if I'm no longer welcome in Britain." To which I reply, "Actually, Janusz / Svetlana / Abdul / Ndulu / Ioana / Mohammed / Mr Chong, you weren't welcome in the first place, and but for our dirt-bag politicians and cheapskate employers you wouldn't be here at all."
Perhaps I'd be less of a bigot if the unwanted 'guests' would have the decency not to outstay their welcome, to go home after they're done milking our economy.
They rarely do. In fact, those of reproductive age compound the problem by pumping out mini-migrants, thereby anchoring their extended families in Britain (because when the children are grown the last thing they'll want to do is return to the parental shanty town).
Unfortunately for us beleaguered British, alien replication rates are exploding:
Almost one in three (28.2 per cent) of babies, or around 196,000, were delivered to mothers born outside the UK as the figure went up for the 26th consecutive year.
The proportion has increased every year since 1990, when it was just over a 10th (11.6 per cent).
It stood at 21.6 per cent a decade earlier, and 25.5 per cent in 2011, the data from the Office of National Statistics show.
Alp Mehmet, vice chairman of Migration Watch UK, said:
Wait, Migration Watch's spokesman is called Alp Mehmet? Smh.
"These figures sound yet another warning bell about the impact of mass immigration - which is as clear as day to the public.
"Unless net migration comes down, the pressures on housing, schools and services will be unremitting because of the resulting growth in our population."
With respect, Mr Mehmet, how will reducing net migration alleviate these pressures if immigrants already here are breeding like locusts?
"At this rate, we will have to provide for another five million people by 2027, largely due to immigration. The government has no alternative but to honour its manifesto commitment to reduce net migration to sustainable levels."
But isn't net migration just the difference between immigration and emigration? Such that if half a million foreigners were to enter the country each year and half a million Brits leave, you'd have hit your holy grail target of zero net migration? Tell me, what's the point of stabilising UK population numbers if British people are being replaced en masse? Why doesn't that concern you, Mr Mehmet?
Here's a better plan: (i) halt immigration entirely; (ii) deport illegal immigrants and other foreign criminals; (iii) deport the tens of thousands of known terrorists and their families; (iv) withdraw government support from existing immigrants (make them pay their way); and (v) provide help to all who wish to return home.